For me, the thought of more babies is not a simple answer. I long for another baby. I have never felt that our family is complete, at least not yet. I always thought there would be one more, maybe two more. But for sure, one more.
When we were surprised with baby #2 just 8 months after baby #1, we always said, “we put that in God’s hands and he would give us what we needed, not what we planned.” It was easy to say that and somewhat put the responsibility of having another baby so quickly on God’s shoulders and not our own. Believe me, I had severloffer to explain how we got the second baby, we know how that happens 🙂
But now that it’s been 6 years and we’ve lost two babies, the though of having another excites yet terrifies me. One person tells me I am too old, one tells me I am not is good enough shape (even though I’m in better shape than I was when I had both boys), one says at my maternal age, the baby could have so many problems, I’ve heard I had two good ones, why risk having a baby with disabilities. I could list all the reasons I’ve heard to have or not have another baby, but you would stop reading after the first page.
It’s hard for me to put into words what I feel because my heart is so torn. I can’t even express my thoughts to the one person who knows me better than anyone else, my husband. One on hand, my heart longs for another baby. As in it actually physically hurts when I think about holding another precious life in my arms, that excitement when you see two lines on the test and the first kicks you feel, the first ultrasound when you see that tiny heart beating and those arms and legs moving around. One the other hand, every cramp, every upset stomach, every weird feeling, doubt, second thought is terrifying. The though of losing another baby paralyzes me with fear. I am not sure my sanity can handle that one. I’m not sure, even after almost 8 months I have dealt with it completely or at all.
This months at least 5 friends around my age, older and younger,have announced they were pregnant. Each time my heart broke. Tears filled my eyes and took my back to too many days about 10 years ago where I longed for it to me announcing a baby. There have even been times that reading yet another pregnancy announcement has made me mad. It has put me in such a bad mood that my night was ruined. How can I be this upset? I have two babies, how could I long for more. My feelings aren’t justified. You will learn that in my mind my feelings have to be justified in my mind before it can be valid. There are women who long for babies and don’t have any. I should count my blessings and move on. Yet, my heart still longs for another baby.
Then my heart stops longing and my head chimes in with all the sensible reasons of why this won’t work. We can barely make it month to month on our income now. Adding another baby would only make that worse. Hey, we did it the first time, we will do it again. God always provides for His children, right. We would have to buy a new car. We would have to move. My hubby, currently a stay at home dad (a story for another day), would almost have to get a job. The last time he did this, our family didn’t go to church for almost 2 months because of his work schedule and I only saw him in passing or at 2 AM when he got home from work. Financially, this would be the best choice, however, our marriage and our family suffer dramatically. I am not sure that an extra $500 a month is worth the toll that it takes on our family right now.
So my heart and my heard are conflicted. I keep saying this is in God’s hands, yet I keep taking it back with each new pregnancy announcement. In the end, only God can determine if we have more babies or don’t have more babies. Today the prayer of my heart is that He makes me content either way. In all honesty, that’s right now. In five minutes the prayer could be to give me a baby. It changes all the time. Just keeping it real over here 🙂