My intent for this blog was not to be all about my struggles with having babies. But that’s what the first few posts have been about. So why not talk about Mother’s Day.
Of course I love Mother’s Day. It’s a day that is all about me. Even though my husband always jokes that he is just “passing through my little world,” it’s rarely about me. When you are a wife and a mom, life is busy. Everyone’s needs come long before my own.
Yesterday was Mother’s Day. It was a great day. I slept in, was showered with Mother’s Day presents and flower the boys made for me. We did everything that I wanted, planned the day exactly how I wanted and all went according to plan until my oldest sat down in the middle of Target telling me he was too dizzy to stand up. Not the end of the world, just a cold and an ear infection, but a real ending to a real day.
Mother’s Day is always somewhat conflicting for me. I love the day and I LOVE the reasons that I can celebrate. The reasons I have here to hug and kiss me and then the reasons that aren’t here any more. Every Mother’s Day, I remember Mother’s Day 2008.
For 4 years, I dreaded Mother’s Day, and every year it got worse. Every year I dreaded church. Yes I think we should honor mom’s. They do so much work and deal with so many things, they should have a day or 20 days to be honored. But when you’re not a mom and your heart longs to be a mom, it’s a hard day to listen to all the mom’s being honored. For me, it was just a public reminder of what I longed for but for some reason, God wasn’t providing it. It just wasn’t His timing.
Mother’s Day 2008 was especially hard. Long story short, I had worked graduation the day before, 13 hours on my feet, high stress and absolutely crazy. The entire week before was crazy leading up to that day. Little to no sleep, finishing the semester and graduation was all more than anyone should deal with in a week. On that Sunday, I was to sign on the praise team. We had practice early before Sunday School and my hubby was teaching Sunday school. We were in a waiting pattern in our lives. Bill was graduating, applying for full time pastor positions, we were trying to have a baby and “start” our lives. It just wasn’t happening.
During Sunday School, my hubby was teaching out of James 1. I started crying. Not uncommon for these highly medicated (hormones to help get pregnant) days. This was way out of control though. I cried so hard that I had to leave class 3 times. I got myself together and sang for church but thought I wasn’t going to make it. Then the Mother’s were recognized. I just excused myself because I knew this wasn’t going to be pretty. We were in a small church and there were only two of us without children.
It was a rough day.
Five days later we both knew something wasn’t right. So I decided to get another test. Low and behold in the early morning of May 15, I saw 2 lines. For the first time, there were 2 lines. Month after month, year after year, I longed for those two lines. Now it was real and I was terrified.
This was my happy ending. However, not everyone has this happy ending. I still have lots of friends who don’t have this happy ending. I share this to remind us that not everyone enjoys Mother’s Day like the mother’s. Some have a very difficult time on this day. Some women have empty arms and long for them to be filled. Some have empty hears because they have lost their mom.
I hope I never forget the feelings I felt that Mother’s Day so that I can remember those who long to be Mother’s.