Exhaustion

Exhaustion has set in. This always makes me more emotional. I have worked for the last 22 days with one partial day off. I do work a desk job but almost all overtime is on your feet. It is what it is. It could be much worse. However sheer exhaustion of being a wife, mother and employee have set in. In the last three weeks I have tried to be good at all three roles but I have failed at times.

When I am tired I am emotional. Not only tears but all the emotions. After 3 hours of sleep last night, working all day, trips to 3 different store for birthday cake supplies/presents, and baking said cake I am done. I have been tearing up today over so many things. Mainly, my baby turns 6 tomorrow. The

The life  events that surrounded the birth of my second overshadowed that special day. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed every moment I could. It was so special. I still remember that first cry and actually getting to touch him in the OR. I was alert and awake which didn’t happen with my first-born so I was so happy. I wasn’t sure how this whole “splitting” you love between two kids worked. Then I heard his cry and knew how special he was.

We knew from about 5 weeks in that this baby was a handful and he has been every day. I wouldn’t change my spunky, stubborn, little old man for anything. I have always felt so guilty for not enjoying those first days more. I think I did the best I could at the time but I wish I would have had he physical and emotional strength to enjoy him more.

I am having a hard time with this 6th birthday. More and more he looks less and less like my baby. I still call him my baby but he isn’t. At 6, he really only has just over a foot until he is as tall as me and reminds me of it daily.

The reality that my baby isn’t a baby is hard to accept. Almost as though as chapter in my life is ending. Mommy’s shouldn’t have to endure birthdays and Kindergarten graduations in the same weeks. It hurts my heart. School is ending, my babies are growing and baseball is ending for the season. All bittersweet events in one weekend.

Maybe it’s the exhaustion or the reminiscing of the first few weeks of his life, but I am accepting more and more that chapter is close. The baby chapter is probably closed. It saddens my heart. This could be the lack of sleep talking now.

I miss my teeny tiny babies. It was my job to protect them from harm. It still is. But this job was much easier at a week old than 6 and  7 years old. I actually do miss the middle of the night feelings. It was our time. The quiet time to bond where no on else even knew we were up. With my first I cherished praying over him, singing to him and wondering who he would be. That didn’t last long as he started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks.

With my second, I still cherished those moments but he never slept more than 2 hours so it wasn’t easy. I got hugs and smiles and love that was just reserved for me.  I still think this is why he is a momma’s boy.

Tonight as he sleeps I am having a hard time not scooping him up and holding him tight. As we walked home last night, he asked to hold my hand. I smiled and held it out. He said he feels better when he holds my hand. Oh, how I pray he will feel that way for years to come.

My babies aren’t babies anymore but I resolve to enjoy this stage as much if not more an I have the other stages. For those of you crying over Pre-k and kindergarten graduations or college graduations, I feel your pain and am right there with you.

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