Admitting the truth is hard.

Things have been quiet here lately. A welcome change to the last few months of life. School is over for the year, baseball is over and now I don’t have to concern myself with so many schedules. It is oddly freeing. This has taken away so much stress in my life.

The anxiety level has been very low which has been very enjoyable. I have been able to relax and enjoy life a little more. There has been less fussing amount my boys.  More crazy 6 and 7 year old normal behavior but I will take the sugar induced high if that means I don’t have to deal with the constant bickering. I thought girls were bad. Boys are just as bad but in a different way. Instead of crying because one of them hurt the other ones feelings,they hit each other  and cry because one hit the other too hard and it hurt. Teaching boys that hitting isn’t an acceptable form of communication is difficult. Something else that is almost engrained in their minds is to hold their feelings back. Teaching them to express what they feel rather than stifle it is something we work on daily here.

As for me, the whole purpose of this selfish blog, things have been good. I am learning the triggers of what makes me very anxious. Unfortunately at almost 37, I am just now learning how my mind works. Learning this earlier in life could have caused me a lot less heartache and most likely afforded me much more sleep 🙂

Some days are easier than others. Some days I have to fight the overwhelmed feelings minute by minute. Other days only a few times do I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am in control of my own emotions.

Last week at church our Pastor started a series of freedom in Christ. My first thought was “Been there done that. Freedom doesn’t mean you aren’t really free. It means you are free to live under the law of God and the church.” He went on to explain the freedom in Christ isn’t about the rules and regulations of church or the local body of believers. He explained the following Christ shouldn’t be a life of feeling guilty because you didn’t go to church this week or you missed your Bible reading one day. Freedom in Christ is learning to love God with all your heart, soul and mind. Following Him is freedom from the chains of sin and guilt that burden us all. This got me thinking.  I thought about this idea of freedom in Christ and what it meant.  What did this look like played out in my every day life?

After being a Christian for almost 33 years, this concept is somewhat new to me.  Not the concept that there is freedom in Christ but what that looked like. He was explaining this differently than I had ever heard it before. This week he said a lot about freedom again and spoke from Galatians that we as Christians should approach everything in love. In all honesty, I can’t tell you his four points. They didn’t all start with the same letter so I couldn’t remember them all 😉 For those of you not from a Baptist background, that was a joke. What I did take away was something that hit me hard. Something I have thought about numerous times in the last 24 hours. He said oftentimes as Christians, we think because we understand something from the Word that we have done it and applied it to our lives. Understanding is not application.

Whoa. Wait. Back up. What did he just say? It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been in church all my life, I was a Pastors daughter and have been a Pastor wife. For real, I actually have a master degree from a seminary. I have been in a relationship with my Maker for almost 33 years and this statement caught me off guard and really made me think.

Understanding is not application. Understanding what God is showing us, teaching us, telling us doesn’t mean we have out it into practice. It definitely doesn’t mean we are living it out in our daily lives. Understanding isn’t synonymous with living it.

What I took away was that I understand the concept of freedom in Christ but asking myself, am I living as though I have freedom in Him. I am not sure that I am. Am I living my life out of love for Him? That’s an even harder question. Are my actions, words and deeds motivated out of love for Him and love for His children? As I would say in college, that was like a slap in the face. Love can be easy, love can be hard to practice. In the short passage he spoke out of in Galatians, it mentions twice that we as children of the King should have the gift of love.

I really need to work on this. Loving the ones that are harder for me to love or in actuality, loving the people I don’t like or that are hard to love. I am not perfect. I am positive there are days when I am the one who is hard to love. I have been blessed with an amazing husband who loves in on those very bad days. But even more, I have a God whom I try to serve daily who loves me even more on those days where I am the one who’s hard to love. I am so thankful that He alone loves me in spite of myself.

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