Relaxing/Vacation/Confusion/Trusting

It’s been a while, yes I know.  Work has been crazy, life has been crazy, I haven’t felt well and just been plain tired.

After a few stressful weeks, I remembered I had a 3 day weekend because of the 4th of July holiday.  Oh Thursday, I texted my Mom and asked if she was off work for the weekend and she replied with “yes, are you coming for a visit?”  Why not, let’s drive 14 hours one way to spend 3 days there.  I asked for Friday and Tuesday off, Thursday night we packed after the little ones were in bed, woke them up at 3:30 on Friday morning and surprised them with a trip to Nana’s house.  What could be better than that, right?

I have had this sinus crud for a few weeks with no resolve and I had developed a nasty cough and slight fever.  So like a normal human being I decided a quick trip to the walk-in clinic was in order before I spent 14 hours in the car.  Sinus infection and the beginnings of bronchitis.  Off to the pharmacy for some antibiotics.  Since I’m allergic to a family of antibiotics, she gave me some old school antibiotics that “shouldn’t” cause any problems and should fix me right up.  Off to the pharmacy so I could head back to work and get the meds started.  Within an hour, my skin was bright red, hives and itching all over my neck and chest.  I called back and she said just take Benadryl when I take a dose and I should be fine.  Next dose that night, the same thing.

We got up at 3:30 am to get on the road. I wasn’t feeling good at all.  Choked down breakfast in the car and felt horrific.  A horrible headache and nausea. I HATE to throw up.  Hate is not even a strong enough word.  Absolutely despise, with everything in me, throwing up.  I literally fought it all morning  Not good on a car trip.  I slept on and off for the first three hours.  Woke up in the big city and pointed out some attractions to the boys as we drove through crazy busy traffic.  Pointed out a baseball stadium and it hit me.  I had to think quick.  I had my purse and a bag of doughnuts.  I proceeded to be sick for the next two exits while my husband tried to pull over from the far left lane going 90 mph in rush hour.  All I hear from the backseat was, “Mommy’s ruining my doughnuts and I only got one.”  Really?  I am dying (or so I thought) and he’s worried about his doughnuts.  We stopped, changed clothes, bought Lysol wipes and an air freshener, cleaned the car extensively and were back on our way.   I later found out after researching the new medicine that hives, itching and unstoppable vomiting indicates an allergic reaction.  I knew I should have pushed for a new antibiotic the day before.  I felt so much better we stopped for lunch about an hour later.

The biggest little one had a spicy chicken sandwich for lunch.  Unusual for him but he is trying new things I wasn’t going to tell him no.  He has a love/hate relationship with spicy food.  He loves it but it burns his mouth.  So he eats it then complains about the burn.  Sounds about right for a 7-year-old.  We got back on our way and drove about another hour.  The boys asked for their tablets to play games.  We had been in the car about 6 hours and they had been fabulous so we obliged them.  We drove into a horrible thunderstorm so bad we could barely see.  Then I hear it.  The big one starts coughing and proceeds to throw up his entire lunch in the floor of the car.  We stopped to clean it up, without much luck in a crazy, heavy downpour. The entire backseat was covered along with everything we had.  Let’s say by the time we got to Nana’s we had 3 load of laundry to do.  It was a long car ride.

Our visit was much better than the trip down.  We enjoyed time with my Mom, sister, aunt and uncle and my grandparents.  It was a wonderful feeling.  We haven’t all been together under one roof in years.

We got to spend time at the beach and just relaxing.  My sister even took my boys for one night.  It was nice not to have to get them up and ready for church that morning. It was the first relaxing Sunday morning in years 🙂

I could feel my stress melting away.  I thought alot of those 5 days about life and how I am choosing to live mine.  I realized much of my stress and anxiety is self-inflicted.  Obviously I cannot control alot of what happens to me, but I am able to control how much I think  (read as obsess) about the circumstance around me.  I am a people pleaser.  I want everyone to be happy all the time.  I don’t want anyone to be upset or frustrated, especially with me.  But, I’ve learned in the last few weeks, that constantly picking apart everything everyone says and does becomes consuming.

I was just saying how someone I work with cares if people are upset and doesn’t purposely try to upset anyone, but in the end, if you are upset by his decision it doesn’t really bother him.  Why can’t I be like that?  Why do I have to be so consumed with others thoughts of me and me thoughts of what they think of me?

I DON’T.  

I don’t have to be consumed by what people are thinking or what they mean when they say something.  My happiness and joy shouldn’t be controlled by the actions and words of other people.  My joy should come from the real Joy Giver.  My joy should come from Christ alone.  I can no longer find my self-worth in what I think my family and friends think of me.  In end, I have to live my life how I feel God has called me to live it.  I need to love him and love others and show them His love.  Doing this won’t always bring about instant happiness for everyone in my life, but I do feel this will bring happiness to my life, being more consumed with what He wants from me rather than living up to what I think everyone else wants me to be.

Here’s the hard part.  This doesn’t happen over night.  It’s a daily process.  Multiple times yesterday I had to remind myself that I am enough.  In Christ, I am enough.  It’s not what a certain person thinks I am.  In reality I am not good enough for anyone.  I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.  I am who I am.  I think this is a going to be a long process to retrain my mind into believing that in Christ, I am enough.  I am His child.

So yesterday began my journey of not over thinking life.  Of enjoying life.  Of living in the moment, not analyzing the past moments or future moments or planning for what could happen.  I am missing life.  Missing things because I am consumed with everything being perfect.  Life is messy, it’s not perfect.

 

 

 

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