Loss stinks. Actually, even though my Mother hates this word, loss sucks. There’s no other way to explain it. Loss hurts. It breaks hearts and changes lives.

I don’t questions God’s ways much. I was taught not to question God because he knows better than I do. As I grew up and developed my own faith, I realized it’s okay to questions him, you just have to be prepared for the answers He gives. Reading Job I realized quickly God’s answer aren’t always what you are looking for when seeking an answer. But, I can’t help but question God when it comes to fertility and the female body.

There are women who dream of being a Mommy since they were little girl’s, there are women who are determined that they never want children, then there are women who didn’t really care either way. Having different hopes and dreams is what makes us special. What I don’t understand is why God gives us a longing or a passionate desire to be a mother or father then tells us to wait or tells us, nope this isn’t happening for you or gives us a glimmer of hope with a pregnancy, then takes that away.

I have struggled with this for many years. When we were trying to have a baby, a family member of mine had two children, with two different people. Okay, I know this statement sounds a little judgy. It’s not meant to be judging, it’s a fact. I was doing what I was “supposed to do.” I waited till I was married to have sex, we were in church, trying to fulfill the commandment to be fruitful and multiply, we were desperately trying to have a baby and it wasn’t happening.  Month after month, year after year. It didn’t happen. However it seemed like it happened for everyone else in my life “without even trying.” If I heard that one more time I might have killed someone. Why weren’t we having the baby?

In the end, it was God’s time and in all honesty, God’s plan was so much bigger and better. I truly believe that if we had not gotten pregnant when we did and moved when we did, I most likely would not have delivered a healthy and happy baby. God put the perfect doctor in the perfect place at the perfect time on the other side of the country. It was perfect in His time, not mine.

Our friends decided a while back it was time to expand the family. They tried for almost a year before they told anyone. Another year went by. Lots of tests, procedures, medications, and check ups to end up with an answer of “we aren’t sure why you aren’t pregnant. There’s no medical reason.” Thanks so much for that answer. Not a big help.

They decided to stop all the “stuff” and if it happened, it happened. It did happen. Then 10 weeks later it was over.

As quickly as it happened it was gone. It left behind sadness, grief and pain.

Even though this wasn’t my baby and even if I hadn’t lost babies, my heart would still be broken for my friend. They longed for a family of their own. Every day as I pour my heart out to God,  begging Him to fill my friends with the peace and understanding that only He can give, my heart genuinely breaks for them. They have wanted it for long. Both of them have had this desire for so many years and to end in loss, just doesn’t seems fair. Why does God do this.

Ultimately I have no answer to the why’s except that His ways are higher than mine. He knows more. He is omniscient after all. He does know everything. In my finite brain, there are days when this church answer is enough. There are days when it isn’t. I am not sure that I will ever understand why God gives babies to those who would cherish and love them then takes it away. My perspective might be wrong. He might not be taking them away, but I feel like he is saying, this isn’t the time. And in my stubborn periods I want to shout, then why did you give it to me in the first place.

I know, I know, the maturity level just dropped back to the high school days. Shouting at God solves nothing. I don’t have all the answers. I wish I had some of the answers.  I have to trust that He knows best. That His ways are truly higher than my ways. That He is in control.

So for now, as my heart breaks along with their hearts as they grieve this loss.  I trust that He loves His children and that He is doing what is best for His children.

My Daddy has been gone for quite a long time now, it seems like he’s been gone an entire lifetime, but it’s only been just over 10 years. Music was his thing. Every song was his favorite. Over the last few days, a song he sang keeps coming to mind.

The song he sang says:

“God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don’t understand
When you don’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand
Trust His Heart”

Right now I can’t see His plan. But, I can trust his heart.


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