There are days that are good.
Days that are wonderful and fabulous.
There are bad days.
There are days I don’t want to repeat.
It hasn’t been a bad day per say. But, it has been a day.
In the last month, my boys have started school. I have applied for new jobs. My husband has applied and gotten a part time job as a substitute teach, I work in Higher Education and our school has started and we survived until the deadline to report enrollment. I also went to the doctor for a regular checkup and she found some “concerning” things we are going to follow up on. The follow up appointments (yes read that as 4 appointments) were 29 days away.
So a lot has happened in the last month. Lots of stress, lots of schedule changes and lots of making things work with what we have. Fortunately my Father taught me at a young age the art of the punting. No, this has nothing to do with football. If you knew my Dad you would think the football reference was funny as I doubt he ever watched a football game. But, I digress. He taught me the art of making it work when things go wrong. On the outside I do this well. Or at least I think I do and lots of people tell me I do. But on the inside I am a mess. Stress, worry, fear and anxiety all rolled into one.
Instead of living and enjoying the last few weeks the goal for me has been to survive and make sure everyone else is alive and happy when we are on the other side.
Fortunately I have not had much time to dwell on my impending follow up appointments. My life and job are ever changing and ever busy. So, these appointments have been in the back of my mind for the last few weeks. Work in some ways is slowing, meaning the busyness is not someone standing in front of me asking for help but now it is catching up on the three plus weeks of work I haven’t had the time to do. Honestly a lot of quiet time at my desk working on projects. My mind has a chance to think and digest the information I received.
First, in my late 30’s more babies are not on the forefront of my mind. However I am not willing to shut that door yet. As I notice the multiplying wrinkles on my face and my skin beginning to sag more and more I quickly realize I am not getting any younger. But the news that there was going through menopause was not what I was expecting to hear. My nurse almost convinced me this was the case and the doctor agreed for the most part but wanted to see the test results. There are “girl” issues, yes I know and have known. But are you serious I could be going through menopause!!!!
During the visit I mentioned some pain and at times I could feel a lump. Immediately she became concerned. The dreaded lump. Although it isn’t something I think about daily it is there. This time she could feel it too. The fact that there is pain brings her much concern as well. Her words, not mine. Immediately a battery of tests and appointments were made. Almost exactly one month later.
More tests and ultrasounds for the things they can’t see. 4 appointments in one day.No immediate answers at those appointments.
Even if life was perfectly calm I think any rational person would be stressed at this point. But after three weeks of keeping everything going, everyone (at work and home) as happy as can be, today was my breaking point.
What broke me you ask? I honestly can’t say. Rudeness for no apparent reason was the beginning. People refusing to do their job and always wanting me to do it for them did not help. More rudeness, more silly actions, well more like childish behavior, things I have spent hours working on and finally got finished to be notified later that something is wrong and I have to tell the person. Again so many things that are not my job but as soon as I say, you need to call this person at this number everybody gets upset.
By 4:30, my go home time, I was done, however two people were waiting for me to fix problems and my bosses boss found me on the way to fix one problem and needed me to fix another problems. I just wanted to go home. I promise it will be better for everyone if you just wait until the morning.
My halo was not polished today. In reality by 4:30 I was totally acting in the flesh. On my way back to my desk, my boss stops and asks if her can help. Don’t get me wrong, a lovely gesture but now I am done. I rarely if ever ask for help and I needed help but you weren’t there. In all honesty because I am keeping it real, I was so happy his 4 year old daughter was there when he asked what was wrong. I couldn’t say what I wanted to because it wasn’t nice.
I call on my way home. My husband says he still needs to fold the laundry he has done today. That now makes 6 baskets to fold. In reality I should be happy I don’t have to was them but in my current mood, it infuriated me. I asked if he had thought about dinner. Nope, but I will make something. What, what are you going to make? Everything is frozen and we have no box meals. No response. Well if you stop at McDonalds Thing #1 wants a cheeseburger. Really?????? I hate McDonalds. I asked what he was going to cook Thing #1 when said cheeseburger was yucky. Well……I don’t know.
McDonalds it is. Oh wait while in line, remembered I had not paid the water bill. Ordering food, paying the bills and trying to get home. My stress level is off the charts. What Mommy, you ordered me a 10 piece nugget and fried and I ate that in less than 4 minutes and you have nothing else for me to eat?!?!?!?!
For real, someone needs to pass the wine. I don’t even like wine.
So here I sit, feeling my heart rate and blood pressure drop as I type. Actually debating whether or not to even post this I as sound very selfish and rude. Not like the good follower of Christ like I should be. Not showing love when I should and not acting with grace and mercy.
Please don’t think me a hypocrite or a bad person. Today I failed in so many ways. My attitude was horrible, I said things I should not have to people and about people. No way about it, it was wrong. Thankfully Jesus forgives even when I have a sucky day.
There has to be another Mom out there trying to be a good wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, chef, coworker and crowd pleaser that understands where I am coming from.
Some days you realize you can’t be everything for everybody. You fall down, you fail, you wallow in guilt because of these things. But you start again. Ask the forgiving God we love for forgiveness and beg Him help you do it better tomorrow.
But most of al realizing it is okay to be broken, okay to ask for help and okay to admit you are overwhelmed. These are things I should not only say but practice.
This afternoon was not a good afternoon.
Tomorrow has the potential to be a fabulous day. What will I make of it